Drinking cider and doing my (last minute) philosophy homework.

All I can think about is how much I would like to do something extraordinary.

Then how I lack the ability or imagination to do so.

These are the things that I know.
  • I don’t know who my friends are.
  • I don’t know if I like the friends I have.
  • I don’t know what kind of clothes I like to wear.
  • I own too many clothes.
  • I like to read, a lot.
  • I don’t read enough.
  • I hate judging people.
  • I am a judging person.
  • I don’t hate myself.
  • I want to spend my life doing new things.
  • I don’t understand people who don’t.
  • I love being adventurous.
  • I don’t like staying put all the time.
  • I need my down time.
  • I am not fit or healthy.
  • I want to be.
  • I can’t be bothered putting in the effort to be.
  • I’m always curious.
  • I don’t like learning by being told what to do.
  • I like initiative.
  • I like brave people in social situations.
  • I care relatively little about what other people think.
  • I still care too much.
  • I want to become better at playing certain instruments.
  • I struggle to put the effort in to do so.
  • I have no career goals in life.
  • Apart from wanting to do something socially helpful.
  • But then sometimes I want to be a tradie so…
  • Music is my thing.
  • I think it is at least.
  • But then sometimes it isn’t.
  • I have no thing.
  • I don’t think I’m very smart.
  • I don’t think I’m very pretty.
  • I really struggle with my appearance.
  • I judge myself too harshly.
  • I don’t know what I’ll do after university.
  • I don’t know what I’ll do during university.

I have no idea about anything.
I thought this list would help.
It didn’t.

Sometimes life just turns hollow.

All I can think about is what I should be doing and where I should be, what I should look like and what I should have. All I can see is what I want my life to be like and what I’m not, and who I should be spending time with and what I should be able to do.
Then I stop thinking about that and look at what I do have now and what i have is nothing. Nothing. My life is just empty, and pointless. There’s no direction, no point to my time or how I spend it.
Everything just feels so useless and like such a waste of time.
I just hate myself really.

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